Constantly I find there are more layers. More layers of me to unravel, more parts of God to discover. Every time I think I have this God thing figured out, this walking with the Lord, I find that it’s just another call to go deeper.
There are no plateaus in the Christian walk.If there are, it is us who put them there. When I can’t comfortably put God in a box anymore, when I refuse the call to go deeper, I am creating a plateau that isn’t even there. I build the wall, the flat place, the spot where I draw a line in the sand and say Here God, but no further. This goes beyond my understanding, my ability to comprehend, my humanity, and I say that this is quite far enough.
But it isn’t.
He’s an infinite God, with more layers to discover constantly. While we will never understand it all, we are still called to be intimate and get closer-to His heart, to His Spirit, to Him.
It’s this intimacy-thing I struggle with. For the first 19 years of my life, I was perfectly content to love God and serve God, as a distant master father figure. I knew of Jesus’ sacrifice and I gratefully accepted it. I kind of thought maybe I felt the Holy Spirit in worship, but the idea of listening to God’s voice day in and day out was a totally foreign concept.
In all truth, God the Father freaked me out. I didn’t want to be close to Him. Someone that would send His son to die for us, and now we are His children, called to the same radical obedience unto death. As a young believer, I knew in my head that God loves us, but I also saw the God of the Old Testament, and people dying for their sin, and whole nations perishing because of laws and rules I didn’t understand.
Sometimes I still struggle with this, because if God is always the same, then how is all of it part of His character? How does a good God let His children die of curable diseases, of hunger and thirst, of things that could be easily prevented? And it’s hard to let a God like that in, when I know He’s good but then I go visit sweet babies in the orphanage that will grow up there, or five year olds routing around for things to sell from the garbage dump.
At this young age, I’ve seen a lot of this hurt, broken world. And I KNOW the only thing that will truly save is Jesus. I know we as Christians have roles to play in alleviating this suffering and in being God’s hands and feet to this hurting world.
But I find myself swinging on the pendulum between God is good, all the time, I love Him and I want more of Him to how is God good? Where is He in this messy, broken world? And then somewhere in between where it’s all on me to make this world better.
It’s hard to find intimacy when I sometimes struggle with the character of God. It confuses me. He’s a paradox wrapped in an enigma tied with string theory. He’s loving and all-powerful, yet there’s still suffering. He’s merciful but also just. I am loved but also disciplined because I am loved.
I know ULTIMATELY I stand in His goodness, in His favor and in His love. I am washed in His grace and mercy, and the wrath I was meant to suffer was poured out on Jesus so I could be closer to God. So now I sit, desiring more intimacy and to go deeper, but I am not sure I know how.
I have been exploring the character of God through reading the Psalms. God told me to get to know Him, to see His character of unfailing love, of blessing and sweetness, and the Psalms are a comfort. The writers tend to be as rollercoaster-y as me in their walk with God and in their understanding of His faithfulness and character.
Deeper, deeper, deeper. There’s always more depth, more to understand, more to realize, more epiphanies and revelations. But I feel like it’s going to come from finding rest and peace in God, and letting Him show me. It’s not going to be from reading my Bible 80 hours a day or being a super-hero servant 24/7. It’s going to look like learning to be Mary and walking away from my Martha tendencies. It’s going to look like no more excuses but an inner drive to go deeper from resting in God’s presence.
I know the right answers…it’s the living it out that is a struggle. It’s choosing to believe it even when I don’t see it, and choosing the hard stuff even when it’s uncomfortable. It’s about being a blessing when I don’t feel blessed (even though I know I am) and about loving even when I don’t feel loved. Because I stand in a place of love, I stand in a place of blessing, I stand in a place of freedom and truth.
And that is ENOUGH.
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