October 22, 2012 | Guatemala

The Grinch of Puerto Barrios

Growing up, it was a tradition in my family to watch all of the old Christmas movies starting the first day of December. Among those I consider "classics" is the ORIGINAL (i.e. cartoon) version of How the Grinch Stole Christmas. I watched it so many times growing up I can now recite it almost by heart. One of my favorite lines in the movie is:

"The Grinch hated Christmas – the whole Christmas season. Now, please don't ask why; no one quite knows the reason. It could be, perhaps, that his shoes were too tight. Or it could be that his head wasn't screwed on just right. But I think that the most likely reason of all… may have been that his heart was two sizes too small. "

I for one have never identified as the Grinch. I am generally a joyfull person who LOVES people. But then God brought me on this trip, and I realized that I am more like the Grinch than I ever wanted to think. My heart has been two sizes too small. God's heart is VAST and filled with love for his people, for his glory, and for the gospel. My heart is small and filled with concerns of my future and "doing good".

I fully intended on writing this as a kind of follow up blog to Autumn Dressen's blog "I Just Want To Be Married", but God completely wrecked my intents with Daniella today. (Autumn's Blog is amazing, and I might do a follow up later, so you should still read it: http://thailand.adventures.org/?filename=i-just-want-to-get-married).

I have been struggling so much with the desire to be married, like Autumn, that God has drawn me away into a sweet time of intimacy with his son, Jesus, during which God has showed me why Christ is my perfect husband, my perfect love, my all sufficient best friend. It has been so great to be filled by him, but then God showed me today theres a REASON he continues to fulfill me.

That reason is Daniella. I met her in our last bar, Bar Diana, this afternoon. She is a BEAUTIFUL woman, with the prettiest shaped face I have ever seen. She still looks so youthful in a business where sixteen year olds can be mistaken for thirty year olds from the wear and tear and discarding of lustful hearts. She is twenty, just like me. She has two children, a five year old and a two year old who (thankfully?) were from her exhusband and share the same father. Her children live in Hondurus, which she wants to go home to in December. Her girlfriend is 18 and lives in Nicaragua. Her name is Alejandra and she studies in colegio (their equivalent of high school), and wants to go to universidad to become a lawyer. Daniella loves reggeaton music, and works every day so she doesn't have an free time.

All of this is probably just a bunch of meaningless details to you, but every thing she told me grabbed my heart more. Maybe its because of her sweet demeanor. Maybe its because she is the same age as me. Or maybe it is because she reminds me so much of my sisters at Agnes. Whatever the reason, my heart broke for her.

I prayed for her and continued to talk with her, but unfortunately didn't have the boldness to ask her about Christ until it was time to go. Pastor Ronni (who luckily also serves as translator), translated my questions to her, then translated her answers back. I asked her if she knew Christ, and she said she had been a Christian for two years. I asked her why she wasn't anymore, and she said a phrase in Spanish that can only be roughly translated as "when you're going on a straight path and you completely swerve off and crash". I asked her if she wanted to have a relationship with Christ, and her answer was heartbreaking:

"Look at me (motioning to the bar). I have nothing to give."

I had Pastor Ronni tell her about the woman caught in adultery and how Jesus responded: "He who has not sinned can cast the first stone". Jesus is the only one who has not sinned, and did he cast a stone? No, he lavished his love and forgiviness on her and told her to go.

Unfortunately we had to leave as business was beginning to pick up, but this is the first time I have really felt broken for someone. This is the first time I have really seen the hopelessness of not knowing Christ's Gospel: that we are forgiven, we are loved, and that it is because of NOTHING we have done. Christ doesn't want us to fix ourselves before we come to him, he wants us to come RUNNING full speed- with all of our baggage, scars, blood, and ugliness- to fall in his arms.

We can't ever make ourselves good enough for his sacrifice or his love. He doesn't even want us to try. He has given it to us as a gift. He simply wants us to come to him admitting our need and accept it with faith.

Even as my heart is breaking for Daniella, and for everyone who thinks they can't have Christ's love because they have nothing to give, God grew my heart three times today. As he breaks our hearts, he heals them to be more like his. Just like the Grinch, I came into this trip as a green monster with no concern for the true heart of God. And like the Grinch, I know God is growing my heart, so that by the end of this trip I will look less like me, and more like Christ. God is answering prayers: I am starting to really grasp Christ's heart for his bride.