Something I couldn’t comprehend, I would get more upset seeing the stray dogs roaming the streets and the baby kittens that were waiting to be adopted then I was for his people. Seriously?! I truly thought there was something wrong with me! Yes it saddens me to see how some people are forced ro live but I was trying to convince myself to be upset. It bothered me beyond belief that I wasn’t heartbroken over the sons and daughters of Christ. So I started pursuing the Lord and praying “God would you break my heart for what breaks yours”.
On September 13 we went to a hospital right up the road from our house to turn in some paper work so we could start working Monday and I was beyond stoked. Finally, we were going to start working with patients, see healing, and be able to sever in any way needed. Shortly after being there we found out we were going to start work right then and there. Excited? Yes! We split into two groups Grace and Mandy went to fold huge amounts of laundry and Morgan, Ali and I to cut up and bag over 30lbs of frozen carrots in the kitchen. One we all finished we finally got to take a tour of the hospital. What I thought I was about to see as we began to stroll down the walkway outside was not what I had in mind. This wasn’t just any regular hospital but a Cerebral Palsy Hospital. The more rooms we walked by the more my heart sunk deep into my chest with each step. My thoughts became silent as I looked at their helpless faces and knew that these children weren’t going home after some treatment or medicine but this was their home.
As we were getting ready to leave we soon found out that the nurses weren’t done with us just yet. It was lunch time. We were handed an entire bowl of mush and the nurses would point to our kid that we were to spoon feed. During the hour it took me to feed three kids, while the nurses shoved the food in their mouths and would finish with at least two kids before I got done with my one, I began to question “Why them?” “What did they do to deserve this?” “Why would you let them suffer like this?” “God, why?”. With each bite and wiping the mush off their face’s and the smell of themselves and of the food that filled the big room it began to take its toll on me. What got me through the feeding? The smiles from Bresley with mush coming through her teeth and all over her face filled my heart with such joy that was simply priceless.
As we started walking home it was if my mind had gone into slow motion. I was in a haze when I thought I was perfectly ok but the only thing I could think of was escaping into some quiet time with God. So as soon as we got home it was straight to the big empty room in front of our house I went after running through the house as if i was being chased by someone. I sat in a corner cuddled up with my blanket, iPod, bible and journal, went to my worship playlist picked a random song and just sat. In that moment God brought me straight to my knees and I was completely broken. A kind of brokenness that makes you cry out to the Almighty Savior to change the fate of the unchangeable, to take home those, so they no longer had to suffer, whose cries of pain pierced my heart.
During my God time the Lord transformed my perspective on people and gave me such a heart for the helpless that Friday afternoon. I no longer look at those kids and see them as broken and helpless but as princes and princesses of the one true King. The joy and peace I receive while getting to sit on mats next to 2 year old baby Emerson while holding Bresley’s hand and seeing the smile on their faces is beyond compassion to any other. The heart and love I know have for them is a kind that is only given to us by the Lord that no amount of mush on the face, poop, droll, cricked bones or lack of muscle control can make me look at them as anything less than perfect.
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