How I operate

I can still hear the child screaming. We were in the children's hospital prayer walking over the building and for the staff. We had one more area to pray over.
As we were standing there, there was a child down the hall screaming in agonizing pain. I had never heard anything like it. The screaming continued, the child barely took time to take a breath. The more I listened, the more my heart broke, the more this sound pierced my ears. I felt like I could almost feel the child's pain.
This drove me insane. My emotions were high. I asked God, "Why is this happening? Why does this child have to suffer? What did he do?" I grew bitter. I didn't actually want answers. I wanted to be mad at God and blame this pain on Him. I let bitterness take over, I went numb.
i didn't want to talk to God for a while because I knew His answer would upset me. I felt brokenness for the child, but I felt like it wasnt fair. So I turned that into bitterness.
When I go bitter, I go numb. My emotions are out of the equation. I try and put God out of the equation. I completely shutdown. Quite frankly, I only care about myself.
I realized that God can speak through our emotions. He wants those emotions to drive my passion for Him. In this situation, I didn't want to be in touch with my emotions because I felt like God was trying to tell me something I didn't want to hear. He said that He has control, I can only do so much. I didn't want to be reminded how imperfect I am, which happens every time I talk with God.