Sometimes, I forget that God is good.  How ridiculous is that?  After all I’ve been through with him, all the times I’ve been swept away by his mercy and love and beauty…I have to admit that I just forget.

 

I don’t know why this past week was so difficult, when there are only three weeks left in the trip…? I don’t know why the team and I felt so puzzled and drained and frustrated.  All I know is that the gloom that strangely overcame me for a few days left me wiped out, and I realized that I hadn’t spent time with God for days.  I hadn’t praised him for days.  I hadn’t read scripture for days.  I hadn’t consulted with him for days.  I hadn’t said hi to him for days.

 

What is that about? After two solid months of fighting to remain close to him so I could make it through this season, it was almost like I didn’t want him.  

 

Here’s what I think happened: I did want him.  I didn’t want what I thought he was.  Does that make any sense?

 

When I really think about it as I type, it’s pretty funny.  Well, maybe funny isn’t the right word, but it’s…peculiar.  How long have I known God? How rooted am I in his love?  How many lessons has he taught me?  And still, there I was, losing sight of his righteousness.

 

It’s kinda hard to explain, but I found myself wanting to shut down and run away when it came to obeying God.  Even in the simple little things, I had a weird attitude.  Not a rebellious attitude, or a snobby one…it was almost like I was scared.  I didn’t want to submit to him because I thought the obedience would come with some sort of heavy burden that I couldn’t handle.  It wasn’t “No, God, I don’t want to” (which I’ve had to fight quite a bit during this trip…surprise!), it was “God, I can’t anymore.”

 

Once again…what is that?  He’s not asking me to do anything oober crazy.  And does he not supply his servants with everything they could need and more?  Including strength and perseverance?  

 

But don’t you worry.  God set me straight again.  (Side note: It’s really cool to experience trial like this.   I know it sounds weird, but it’s encouraging to feel conviction and have to wrestle, because that’s when you know he’s in you.  You won’t accept waywardness like this.)  Anyway, he reminded me that he is good.  When he asks things of us, it is for our benefit, because he only wants what’s best for us.  I’m not saying that we should obey him because it will benefit us–that’s selfish–but…he’s good.  His ways are good.  He asks us to do good things.  And he’s not up there with a flaming pitchfork waiting to strike us when we talk back.  

 

Here’s a pretty sweet reminder of his affection:

 

“I will not accuse forever, nor will I always be angry, for then the spirit of man would grow faint before me –the breath of man that I have created.”

 

So, here I am with one week of ministry left.  I remember now…God is good, and through me, he will do good things.  Good.