October 26, 2012 | Guatemala

I’m Going to Be Real For A Minute

Just to give you guys some background, I have had some really obnoxious stomach problems for the last three weeks, that have made eating really wearisome, and have gotten worse as of late (yay late night sleep overs in the bathroom!). Having said that, today was probably my roughest day here. I went to the hospital for a seemingly pointless trip, felt crummy, and missed ministry at the orphanage. But God, loving as he always is, finally pulled me out of my pity party and into his arms, which is where I needed to be all along. Rather than try to explain everything he reminded me of, I am just going to copy all that I journaled in my time with him.

Here we go.

God, today has been awful. I have spent my whole day basically in bed frustrated and wallowing in self pity. I'm letting worry of money both here and back in the states consume my thoughts, forgetting that you have always provided for me before, and that I am so much more financially secure than the people here. Thank you for showing me Lord, again, that you will meet all my NEEDS, and that i don't really need as much as I think I do. Thank you that I had exactly enough quetzals to buy my medicine and pay the doctor. Thank you Lord that I have access to medicine period. Thank you for continuing to test my patience, even when I fail miserably. Please take my fears about my money and help me to have faith in you, my sustainer of life. Instead of feeling bitter towards and uncared for by my team, give me eyes to see the truth that they love me and simply want to take care of me. God forgive me for my selfish, faithless attitude and for thinking i'm entitled to being upset and self-pitying. My life is still SO good, and even if it wasn't, you are ALWAYS deserving of worship. Please get my focus off of me and onto you. Cuz when my focus remains on me, I'm missing the amazing things you are keeping in motion. Instead of my frustration, let me meditate on your perfection. In Jesus name, Amen.

Job 10:4 Have you eyes of flesh? Do you see as man sees?
No! God does NOT have eyes of flesh! Then why am i so quick to forget God's faithfulness and instead see him as a human: vengeful and flippant?
God, please don't let me let my circumstances change how i see you except to grow my faith and adoration.

Job 10:8 Your hands fashioned and made me, and now you have destroyed me all together.
–> Whatever happens to me, God is completely just in allowing it to happen.
God, I don't really believe that. I STILL think you created me to ENJOY myself, that the world revolves around me, and that you love me because I am entitled to it. Oh God my heart is still so dark and ugly. you created me for YOUR glory, the world doesn't even need me- yet you CHOOSE to use me and have me here, and you love me for no other reason than you are SO good, and you are willing to share that love to bring you further glory. The very fact that I believe in you is a gift from you. Lord, forgive me. You are so good and just. PLEASE change my concept of fairness and help me to really BELIEVE you are justice and redemption. God PLEASE help me to believe not only are you sovereign, but that you are right in everything you do. Help my disbelief and futile understanding. I want to know you deeper and really believe everyone of your attributes. Please help me to really understand and take joy in the fact that if no good thing every happened to me again, YOU would still have already blessed me more than I deserved in saving and loving me, and that you are worthy of praise. Help me to praise you, even though my faith wavers and my flesh fails.

Job 10:12 You have granted me life and steadfast love, and your care has preserved my spirit.
That alone is already more than enough for me, and more than i deserve. Thank you God.

Job 11:6c Know then that God exacts less of you than your guilt deserves.
Thank you God that this is so true! I deserve hall and death and what Christ suffered, yet you gave him my punishment and he paid it in full! I didn't have to do one bit of time. And even though i still continue to offend you, deserving your wrath, you forgive me and forget it completely, never holding it against me. you are SO good God! Who am i to complain for physical suffering? Who am I to complain when my life is hard or "unfair things" happen to me? you have already given me what i don't deserve: a secure hope in you. And you continue to sustain me and provide for me. You Lord are good, so good, to me.

[At this point, God really convicted me about my "suffering". One of the girls on the Kenya team just recently returned to Kenya after being in the States for her sisters funeral. I have been following the blog that is continuing in her sister, Delfina's, memory. Delfina had Gardner's Syndrome, and the amount of pain she suffered her ENTIRE life is something i will never understand. Yet she still remained such a light to her family, her friends, and everyone around her. I have been so incredibly humbled by Laura's faith and hope in God through her sister's loss, but also by reading the posts Delfina wrote in her journal, that are slowly being posted. Who am I to complain over some stomach issues when there are people in this world suffering from diseases, struggling to exist in the midst of poverty, being persecuted for their faith in Christ, and so many other evils, all the while keeping their complete faith in Christ and trusting in his goodness? I want that faith in God's goodness and trust in his promises. You can find Delfina's blog here: http://delfinaslight.wordpress.com/2012/10/26/ya-think-my-tractors-sexy/ . Word of warning: It is SO humbling and SO convicting to those of us who think we are "struggling". Yet it is so inspiring and such a testament to God's faithfulness, even in the midst of pain (both spiritually and physically). I pray she blesses you as much as she has blessed me already.]

Job 16:19 Even now, behold, my witness is in heaven, and he who testifies for me is on high.
In Christ alone, my hope is found. God is the source of my suffering (ESV footnote) in that he permits all things that happen to me, yet he has not left me desolate; I have an arbiter and savior in heaven: Christ. God HIMSELF gave me that gift.

Job 19:25-27 For I know that my Redeemer lives, and at last he will stand upon the earth. And after my skin has been thus destroyed, yet in my flesh shall I see God, whom I shall see for myself, and my eyes shall behold, and not another. My heart faints within me!
God, let that be my hope and my sustainment! Let me hope in your glory and the security of my standing with you both now and eternally. Thank you God that you live, and that my hope comes from you: the only perfect, unchanging, all mighty God.

I will leave you with this song, Aaron Shusts- My Hope is In You
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-RRZgr7wNDs