I feel pressed on every side. I hear the loud whispers from my enemy: "You can't do it! You suck! You are a loser! You have been forsaken! Go home! Do it, go home! You have failed! Your passion is gone! Nothing you do is good enough! Your Father doesn't want you! God doesn't love you! Look around! He's not even here!!" And on they go. They sound so real; so true at times. I think about who God says I am and lately they seem so farfetched. I feel like David in Psalm 31:
"Have mercy on me, O LORD, for I am in trouble; my eye wastes away with grief, yes, my soul and my body! For my life is spent with grief, and my years with sighing; my strength fails because of my iniquity, and my bones waste away. I am a reproach among all my enemies, but especially among my neighbors, and am repulsive to my acquaintances; those who see me outside flee from me. I am forgotten like a dead man, out of mind; I am like a broken vessel. For I hear the slander of many; fear is on every side; while they take counsel together against me, they scheme to take away my life." ~ Psalm 31: 9-13
In the midst of this haze of lies and slander stands Jesus. More and more He comes into focus. He reveals to me that I am not what I am hearing. I must make WAR on these thoughts.
As I write this blog, with tears streaming down my face and snot running riot, I hear Him saying, "I'm never giving up on you!!! I will never let you go!!! I love you! Julian, I LOVE YOU!!!!! Listen to my voice and no other!! Listen to Me! I LOVE YOU!!! I can't stop loving you! No matter what, You are Mine and I am yours! Believe Me Julian!!!"
My heart sings back to Him. "Jesus I love You!! Thank You Jesus! Embrace me Jesus. Save me from these lies. I want to believe You! I want to live out of who You say I am. O God save me! Help me! All I want is You!"
He is redeeming me, even now. In this moment the lies are being silenced and all I hear is Jesus singing over me. "I'm never giving up on you!"
"I can do it! God is with me! God is for me! I am a son of God! I am a friend of God! I am born for this!! I am strengthened through God alone! You are with me!! Abba Loves Me!!!!"
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