June 30, 2012 | Guatemala

Turning

The longer I’m here, the more and more difficult it is for me to remember life before Guatemala and imagine life after Guatemala. My conception of time has stilled completely, like dust suspended in the thick Central American heat. I am here, and God is here, and that’s all I know and feel and want.

The past two weeks have been filled with ministry! Although our schedule varies daily, here’s a general idea of what a day in the life of a missionary in Guatemala looks like:

7:30. Wake up (without an alarm clock—a true miracle!)
8. Breakfast (normally Corn Flakes; the occasional pancake is a luxury) and the Word
8:30-10. Free time that I usually spend writing, reading, hanging out with my fellow teammates, taking a shower, or washing my clothes (sometimes all of the above)
10. Morning ministry
1. Lunch, which is always hot and served with tortillas
1:30-3. Afternoon ministry
6:30. Dinner, also always hot and served with tortillas
7-12. Free time to worship, do feedback, have family night (on Fridays), play games (Spicy Uno, Phase 10, and Murder in the Dark are our favorites), eat sweets, go to the park, share testimonies, or throw pila parties if we're on water rations like we are right now
12-1. Bedtime; I'm normally asleep before my head hits Roger (my unicorn pillow pet)

Every moment is beautiful. Every conversation is memorable. Every action is intentional. This is the way I want to live all the time. I’ll even go so far as to say that I believe this is how God created me to live. Whether I’m here in Guatemala or in some other foreign country or back in the States, I know that this is what God is calling me to do with my life.

As far as actual ministry goes, we are continuing to be stretched and used in ways beyond anything we could have expected. I don’t even have the words to describe how absolutely wild it’s all been. I have to say though, for the English major who fills her every empty space with strings of sentences, it’s kind of refreshing to be completely speechless in the face of glory. Each ministry has presented our team with new questions, challenges, and opportunities. A lot of major, meaningful growth is taking place within and through each of us, and I can’t believe how far we’ve come in such a short amount of time. I mean, really, one month? This isn’t supposed to happen. You’d think change of this magnitude would come slowly and with warning. But when does it ever? If it did, it would lose its ferocity, and ferocity is the thing that keeps us turning.

While I am being turned, I’ve found myself stumbling upon some of the same questions over and over again. And as my fears and insecurities are being whittled away (ouch), I am feeling the continual scrape of these gritty questions against my being. Or rather, against God's being. I think the central concern I have is this: do I fully believe that God has the power to change lives? When I step into that bar, am I praying for these prostitutes with the faith that God will perform miracles, or in the faint hope that their circumstances will improve? When I walk up and down the dirt roads surrounding the garbage dump, am I trusting that God will bless these families living in extreme poverty, or wishing that I could do something to make their situation easier? When I worship with my team in the middle of a thunderstorm, am I crying out to God because I yearn to be aligned with Him, or because I want to experience His blessings?

Growing hurts, but it is good. Being here has forced me to live out the truths of the Gospel, even if I am still unsure about them myself. I will step forward even when I see nothing ahead of me. I will speak life and love as best I can, in every way I know how, even when my voice trembles. Even when I don't have words at all.