Warning: I am not the same person I was last week. This week has been full of growth. Last week I broke down. I was feeling inadequate and on the outside of my team. I pulled my leader Julian to the side and asked him to pray for me, but before that happened two of my friends, Joel and Walker, walked over and I poured my heart out to them and told them how I was feeling. They all prayed for me and spoke truth over me. After that I talked to my other leader, Glenalyn, and while talking to her I realized that I have built my view of myself entirely on lies. All 22 years of my life I have told myself that I’m not pretty enough, not talented enough, not worthy of love. I’ve always known that I was self-conscious, but this was a harder reality.
Confession time: When I got to Guatemala, the realization that I have no way of communicating with the people here hit me hard and made me question my role on this trip. How in the world am I supposed to me a missionary and share Jesus when all I can say is “Hello! How are you? What is your name? How old are you?” This only added to my insecurities.
Two nights ago during feedback, one of my teammates expressed how she didn’t feel like herself. She talked about how her energy level was really low and how unusual that was and how the language barrier was really getting to her. That was exactly how I was feeling as well.
Last night we had a night of worship, just the team at the house. That was when I really went to the Lord and told Him how I was feeling. He revealed to me that *I* was getting in the way. He showed me that He is most important and that I shouldn’t worry about what others think or say or do. I felt Him telling me that the language barrier shouldn’t keep me from learning what He has to teach me and that I can still work to further His kingdom even if that isn’t through words. He also showed me other things that were standing in the way of my relationship with Him, which was very humbling, but it was also beautiful to finally understand and to know what I need to work on specifically.
After that, God pointed me toward Ecclesiastes. Unfortunately I don’t have a specific verse to share with you that really stuck out to me; it is just the theme of the book. Everything is meaningless. I have heard so many people refer to Ecclesiastes as being a depressing book because it sounds like it’s pointless to do anything but, being a perfectionist, I find freedom in it. I work so hard to please everyone and to do my best in everything, but ultimately it is not about the world and accomplishing things here, but it is about pleasing God, every day, all the time.
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