Broken Expectations, Broken Heart, Real Love

I knew coming into this trip I was going to stand out. Pale skin (so pale I sometimes glow), red hair, freckles, and bright blue eyes. I stand out everywhere, but in Latin America, this is amplified. I knew people would stare, I expected that, but I did not expect to be affected by it. And I definitely didn’t expect to learn from it. 

Walking anywhere was not fun, consistent catcalls, yelling, and stares that gave me chills. I hated it. I hated going anywhere.

But one day, after a little breakdown I decided to ask why. Why did God want to walk me through this? How could God be glorified in me feeling this way? How could this change His kingdom? 
 

Once I asked why it suddenly hit me. My love was so partial. I was perfectly okay with my red hair drawing in babies, children, women, and the elderly,and using it as an opportunity to show them love. But when itcame to these men, I was appalled at their behaviour, and couldn’t believe it. 

But did the sin of these men mean they didn’t need Christ’s love? Did the sin of these men mean that I wasn’t called to love them? 

 

Absolutely not. 

My heart wrenched. I didn’t want to love them. I wanted to feel justified in my pain. I wanted the right to my offence. I wanted to stay there. I wanted to be angry. I knew these men didn’t deserve this love. I knew they didn’t deserve the freedom. 

I fell on my knees, and I was brought back to the foot of the cross. Realizing that I needed Christ’s love just as much as these men; that on my own, my heart is wretched and selfish, and I don’t deserve Christ’s love at all. But that is the beauty.

In my pain, I was reminded of the beauty of the cross and I fell even more in love. He took this sin and made it an opportunity for me to grow. He took my pain and allowed it to break my heart for His Kingdom. He took this pain and showed me the depth of His love. 

This love is supposed to cover sin. This is the love that consumes my heart, this is the love that I can give because he poured it out on me. This is not a partial love, it is unconditional, unending, and undefiled. This is the love I am called to give.