When we went to church last Sunday night, I stood from my seat and watched as the church community and my teammates all went up to the front of the church and were singing, jumping, and dancing for God. Everyone was so pumped up and excited, and all I did was stand there. I felt lifeless, energyless, and emotionless. I knew something wasn't right. I mean I'm not usually one to go crazy and dance around like no ones watching, but to do it for my king isn't something I felt timid about. My problem was that I didn't even feel like I should have been up there at all. I wished that I would feel the same excitement for God that everyone else was feeling, but I just wasn't. I didn't want to go up and pretend that I was using all my energy to give praise to God, so I just sat in my seat and began to pray.
My prayer started off as an apology for not feeling the worship that night, but as I got deeper into it, I began to ask God why I wasn't worshiping Him like I wanted to be. God began to show me as my prayer got even deeper that in order for me to worship God in such a liberating exciting way I had to allow God to free me.
I have been struggling with recognizing the voice of God lately, but I see now that all this time I had been 'asking' God to speak to me or to show me his presence I had been asking that as a test, a test based on doubtfulness. It's true that I wanted to hear God's voice clearly, but when I asked Him to speak to me, I asked because I wanted to make sure that He was listening. I got so wrapped up in wanting to hear God's voice "clearly" that when He did speak to me I didn't acknowledge it. I was looking for a clear monotone voice to speak to me, but I've learned that that's just not how God works. He speaks to each one of his children in a unique way. He knows the best way for us to recieve his words, although it may not be obvious to us right away.
My prayer got even deeper, and God informed me that I needed to lay down everything at the feet of Jesus. I needed to throw down all the hurt, confusion, fear, anger, doubt, frustration, embarrassment, unworthiness and other emotions I have been feeling at the cross. Holding onto all of these things was pulling me away from my relationship with God. I thought that I would be able to free myself from these feelings on my own, but the truth is that without trusting God with all these things, I was adding more locks to the cage of burdens I had trapped myself into.
How could I expect myself to honor God in such an energetic, exciting, and emancipating way when I was holding on to all the things that I needed to lay at the cross.
As I continued to pray, God gave me an image for the first time. I began to draw a cross, at the bottom I listed all the burdens I was holding onto, and at the top I wrote in bold letters, I AM COVERED BY THE BLOOD.
Jesus died on the cross for my sins. He died to free us all. It is up to us to lay all our burdens at the cross, and allow God to liberate us from the things we let hold us back.
God showed me very clearly that in order for me to praise him with all my heart, I need to trust him with all my heart first.
When I had finished praying, and the worship came to an end, I could not get the song undignified out of my head. I know that God had put that song in my heart because I was finally beginning to surrender my pain to him. I had allowed him to unlock the cage I was in….
Now that I'm becoming free, 'I will DANCE and I will SING to be mad for my king! Nothing Lord is hindering this PASSION in my soul!'
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